Black Dog

If you are going through hell, keep going.
~Winston Churchill

Churchill knew about Bipolar Disorder firsthand.  He was stalked by this own black dog; just as is my father, just as I am.

The dog hungers for anxiety. It lives on fear and self-deprecation. It has a nose for the tragic.

Medications can chain the dog. They make him invisible. They make me wonder if there ever was a black dog in the shadows of my mind, in the darkness at my door.

But the dog is real, and when that barghest fixes you with his baleful stare the color drains out of your world and you remember all of the pain that can be laid at your doorstep.  You are accountable, and the dog is judge, jury, and executioner.

Carry your guilt and the dog will grow teeth to gnash at your soul. If you have worries, fears, the dog will sneak in on padded feet and poison your thoughts.

You must fight the dog.

You cannot take it out back and shoot it. No. That rage only feeds the beast. You cannot abandon it at a shelter, no matter how many times you might check yourself in, or attempt to check out.

The dog will find you where you live. It will roam around you, just out of sight, yet you will sense the terrible weight of its great shaggy bulk slowly smothering you.

You will hear it howling in the darkness. Sometimes you might spot its heavy paw prints in the dirty places of your mind. Do not follow its tracks. The dog is crafty and will try to lead you off of the path of recovery.

Kill the dog with sunlight, with joyful songs, and silly films, and warm hugs from loved ones. Kill the dog with kindness. Forgive yourself. Be gentle with yourself. The dog will slowly starve.

Let go. Forgive. Reject guilt.

Kill the dog.


You can read more about Churchill's own Black Dog, here.

Into the Underworld

To paraphrase Proust, I am going on "a journey that no one can take for [me] or spare [me]."

This has been a long time coming. 

I've been fairly open on this blog about my bipolar disorder in the past.  I currently have major depression, to the point where it is difficult to even spell the words to form this post.

Tomorrow morning I will be checking myself into a clinic in order to get my medications in order, and to try to get myself back into some semblance of normalcy.

I am scared and sad that it has come to this, but I have to find a way to get better. Now.

Thelema and Possession

Maman Brigitte

I was asked a question last week by an O.T.O. brother about how I reconciled being a Thelemite and doing my own will with allowing possession to occur like I did with Maman Brigitte at Babalon Rising. As a Thelemite we are not supposed to do anything that interferes with our true will and, at first glance, possession looks to be right out. So how do I justify it?  Other than just generally being quite awesome how does possession mesh with my work as a Thelemite?

First of all, I trust the Gods.  Even though I know there are many spirits who have their own questionable agendas I put faith in the Gods, and by extension the Lwa, to be in keeping with Universal Will.  If I am aligning myself to the Gods I am also attuning myself to that Universal Will, which is by extension my own True Will.

"But, Glaux," you ask, "How can a trickster deity like Loki, or Discordia, or Papa Ghede be keeping with Universal Will? Isn't that like inviting in Charonzon?"  Yes and no.  Even Charonzon has a place and a purpose in the multiverse.  By aligning myself with the energy and Will of Chaos, Death, or the Adversary I am bringing their balancing energy into our realm.

Also, and this is an even bigger reason than aligning myself with Universal Will, I 'm a witch.  A Thelemic witch, yes, but firstly a witch.  That is my Great Work.  Those are my blood oaths.  I walk a crooked path.  I talk with Gods, and invite them in.  I bring about change within myself and the world around me by working with spirits of the Gods, the Ancestors, the Mighty Dead, and the Seelie & Unseelie Courts.  Possession is a key technique for a shaman, and that is what witchcraft is, the vestiges of ancient European shamanism.

Maybe you think that witchcraft and Thelema are at odds with each other because of how each system views possession, but I maintain that witchcraft, specifically Gardnerian Wicca is the most prolific expression of Thelema in the New Aeon.  It is no secret that Gardner had a charter from Crowley, or that the original Gardnerian Book of Shadows borrowed (stole?) heavily from the Gnostic Mass and other Thelemic texts.  Nor should it come as a surprise that Wicca has pollinated and disseminated itself through mainstream culture much more effectively than the magical system of Thelema. Wicca is the most popular face of Thelema today, even if most witches have never heard of Crowley or the Book of the Law. So, no, I don't think that witchcraft and Thelema are mutually exclusive paths, rather I believe that, for those who are bound to each system, they compliment each other as magical paths.